What does your vaccine side effect say about you?
Plus, a special discount for subscribers
Science writer Ed Yong claims that immunology is “where intuition goes to die,” which is unfortunate for him. Dr. Christina Bentley and Dr. Hope Randall are two sisters with medical-adjacent expertise who are here to help.
Bentley, a specialist in Renaissance medicine, is the author of the self-published paper, “Lady Macbeth: a ‘spot’ light on the futility of handwashing.” Randall is an advisor to the Centers for Disease Convictions and Intuitions. Dr. Seth Randall could not be reached for comment due to his self-imposed digital quarantine against the 5G mutation of the virus.
Bentley and Randall began by analyzing each other’s side effects to the vaccine. Bentley’s response to the finding that Randall experienced no side effect was skepticism and concern: “Anyone who experiences little to no reaction should ask themselves if they’re really paying attention. And they should probably check with their doctors to rule out clinical depression.” Randall maintains that Bentley’s jealousy clouds her analysis.
Upon hearing that Bentley experienced body aches, Randall bemoaned her sister’s lifestyle choices: namely, her day job as a spin class instructor. Fitness centers have a vested interest in touting the supposed benefits of physical activity, but Randall cautions that if it’s not easy, it’s not good for you. “I avoid spin classes at all costs, and my muscles felt just fine after the vaccine. You expect me to believe that is coincidence?”
Possibly perpetuated by poorly coordinated exercise, a sore arm is a telltale sign of asymmetrical weight distribution, whereas redness and swelling at the injection site indicates anger management problems and an overreliance on carbohydrate consumption. A headache suggests an imbalance in the neural-immunological pathway, a fancy way of saying that you are thinking immune-hostile thoughts. “Only you know what those are,” warns Bentley, “and you have no one to blame but yourself.”
Fever and chills are “the hallmark of someone whose indecisiveness has worked its way to a cellular level,” says Randall. “Sweet or salty? Cats or dogs? Morning or evening? Given two options, these are the people who resist choosing.” Bentley insists that Randall experienced this symptom but didn’t report it.
The one side effect that Randall and Bentley believe has nothing to do with the vaccine? Fatigue. “Look, we’re all tired all the time,” says Bentley, waving dismissively. “Make some coffee.”
To ameliorate your vaccine side effects, Randall and Bentley offering a special discount on their proprietary supplement if you subscribe now to their snail mail newsletter.
The truth: your vaccine side effect, or lack thereof, has nothing to do with how well the vaccine protects you against illness.
Your immune system’s initial response to a vaccine takes a reactionary “blunt force” approach against a new threat. It is sweeping and imprecise and affects people in different ways.
The longer-lasting, virus-specific immune response, however, unfolds in the days that follow after those side effects disappear as your body churns out specialized antibodies based on the vaccine’s instructions. It’s why it takes up to two weeks to be considered fully vaccinated. Your body is building the armament that will recognize and defend against COVID-19 exposure in the future.
So don’t get too caught up in how you felt, or didn’t feel, in that first wave immune response just after getting the vaccine. And definitely don’t buy anything that those fake Randall and Bentley doctors are trying to sell you.